Today Jokes / Recent Jokes
Once there was a wife who was depressed because she
wouldn't get any satisfaction from her Husband and she
decided to do some thing about it. She visited a Tatoo
artist and told him " My husband loves the famous French actress
Brigette Bardot and I like you to tatoo her name on my
buttocks".
So the Tatoo artist lifted her dress and told her the
name is too long to tatoo on your buns, so I will tatoo
a "B" on one side and another "B" on the other side. So
she agreed and got those two letters tatooed on her buns.
Now, when the husband arrived after a long day of work
she said " honey I have a surprise for you today"
Husband said "alright, let see what have you got for me
today".
She said, " I know you love this person, So I went out
and got the name Tatooed" and she lifted her skirt and
showed her back. Husband stared at her back and more...
The following are excuse notes from parents (including original spellings) collected by the University of Texas: They were collected from Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Mississippi.My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. (Squirts)Please excuse Tommy for more...
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:
WITCH BURNING
Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on a skunk! What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome... uh, womyn.
WINDOW WAXING
These days you'll only set off the light, noise, motion, and aroma sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights - if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
TRICK-OR-TREATING
This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
Candy should be dispensed only with more...
One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes were on the kitchen counter. When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today." "Yes" was his reply. She answered, "Well, today, I more...
One day a woman had a 11:00am appointment at the gynecologist office and got woke out of bed around 8:30 by the phone and it was the gynecologist office saying that her appointment had been pushed up to 9:30.
Most woman take extra time to wash up on days that they have an appointment, but not today. She ran into the bathroom and found her daughters washcloth on the sink and did the quick rub down, raced over to the office and got undressed and got onto the table with her legs spread in the leg racks.
The doctor comes in and says "Wow, we spent extra time to clean up today!"
The woman was so embarrassed she says nothing and concludes the exam. She goes home and later that day her daughter asks her where her washcloth is and the mother says "Just get another one!"
The daughter says "No mom you don't understand, that is the one with my face glitter and sparkles in it".
DAY 1:
one day a little girl wanted to go to the park to jump rope and when she got there a boy asked her to climb up the tree to get his ball she did this and then went home
when so got home she said
GIRL: mommy today at the park I climbed the tree and got the ball for the boys
MOTHER: you should not do that in a dress!
GIRL: why mommy?
MOTHER: because all the boys want is to see your underwear!
DAY 2:
when the girl woke up the next day she got dressed and went to the park she had just started to jumprope when a boy asked her to climb the tree to get his ball so she did and then went home when she got home she said to her mother
GIRL: mommy i got the ball out of the tree for the boys again today
MOTHER: I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT THEY JUST WANT TO SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR!
DAY 3:
after getting yelled at by her mother the little girl said those boys will never see my underwear every again so she went to the park and started to jump rope in her more...