Today Jokes / Recent Jokes

This comes by way of a died in the wool New Yorker that I sometimes work with. Written by her mom, I think, but there are similar "diaries" floating around. Picture someone moving from the sun belt to the snow belt...
December 8:
6:00 p.m. and it has started to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was beautiful.
December 9:
We awoke to a big blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and sidewalks. Later, a snow plow came through and covered our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get some more before the winter is through.
December 14:
It snowed inches more...

An old man and an old woman used to sit in the nursing home all day watching television together. The old woman would sit there holding the old man's member. The nursing staff tried to get them to stop it but couldn't and decided to leave them alone. Since they weren't hurting anyone, they just put a sheet over the couples lap and kind of ignored it. But one day the old man didn't show up and when the old woman saw him in the dining hall later that evening she asked, "Where were you today?" "I watched TV with Martha today" he said quite matter of factly. With slight cynicism in her voice, the old woman said, "What's she got that I don't have." The old man paused and said, "Parkinsons."

Attend now to a fable that proves that lasting fame is not always built upon success: Once upon a time, two boll weevils from the Deep South traveled to New York, there to seek their fortune. Upon arriving, the first boll weevil got a job as a ringmaster in a small flea circus. As time went by, he moved to bigger and better flea circuses until he became internationally renowned as a flea-circus impresario. The other boll weevil, however, was unable to find any employment and, as time passed, he faded into total obscurity.
That was fifty years ago. But today, do you suppose anyone remembers that boll weevil who was once impresario of the world's greatest flea circuses? No! But we do remember the other one-the one who was a failure-for, even today, we refer to him as "the lesser of two weevils."

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
' Beautiful, more...

An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

" Well today I found out I don't have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50, 000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."

Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10, 000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35, 000 in."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25, 000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I am more...

Today is Mother's Day or as it is called in the John Edwards household, May 9th.

Live for today. Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's a mystery.