Today Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. I would like to have the heart of a small child. I would keep it in a jar on my desk.
2. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
3. Who can I blame for my problems? Give me a minute; I'll find someone.
4. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
5. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than, "I told you so."
6. Today I will disregard all negative messages like STOP or YIELD or WRONG WAY/DO NOT ENTER.
7. Today I will treat myself as I would my best friend - with sarcasm and neglect.
8. Coming out of your shell is dangerous. Ask any clam.
9. I honor my inner warrior. Otherwise he will hurt me. Badly.
10. There is nothing wrong with me. Really.
11. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
12. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
13. If God lives within me, shouldn't I avoid using more...

Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!" The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?" "You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!" Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me more...

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is' beautiful'. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use' beautiful' in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. "Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said,' Beautiful! Just more...

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

Mommy, mommy, in class today we did ABC but I said "ABCDEF." Is that because I am blonde?
Yes, dear that's because you're blonde.
Mommy, mommy, we counted one, two, three, but I counted one, two, three, four five, six. Is that because I'm blonde?
Yes, dear, it's because you are blonde.
Mommy, mommy, everyone else in the class doesn't even need a bra, but I wear a "C" cup. Is that because I'm blonde?
No, dear. It's because you're 22.

A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails. .. is that correct?"

"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."

"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."

Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"

"No", she said, "it's the really big red lobster."

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he repeated, astounded.

"Yes", she more...

Today I brought a frozen eggplant parmigiana (grilled, not fried) to the office for lunch. This was the first time I brought such a meal – normally I do the sandwich route, but today I wanted something different.

Oh, I got something different. You know when it says on food packages that microwave settings vary? At home, I put the eggplant parmigiana in the microwave for 13 minutes and it comes out perfect. Well, the microwave in my office seems to have been assembled at Los Alamos – I put it up for 13 minutes and the damn thing incinerated my lunch. All of the cheese evaporated, the tomato sauce hardened into lava and only a few strips of eggplant remained unscathed.

Needless to say, I am both angry and hungry. Though at the moment, the hunger is stronger than the anger. And I have another five hours to go before dinnertime!

But on the other hand...I need to shed a few pounds. Maybe this smaller meal is a blessing in microwaved disguise?