Tom Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. Speeding ticket? What's that?
8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10. If you have sex with someone and don't call him the next day, you're not the devil.
11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud.
13. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
14. You can sleep your way to the top.
15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17. It's possible to live your whole more...

Tom: Do You Know That My Sister Can Spell Her Name Backwards?
Tim: She Must Be Very Intelligent. By The Way What Is Her Name?
Tom: Her Name Is Anna.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been more...

Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "What's so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."

Tom and Buck were shooting the bull in Tom's car.
Buck always admired Tom's success with women and asked him his secret. "See that design on the dashboard?" Tom replied "When I pick up a woman, she will eventually ask what it is. I tell her that the outer circle represents infinity--it has no beginning and no end. The inner circle represents the limitations we set for ourselves, and the dot in the center is mankind, confined within."
Buck, totally confused by the explanation of the circles, says "I still don't get it. How can that help you get laid?" "Easy. From a starting point like that, the conversation can get pretty philosophical. Women open right up, and next thing you know, you're making love to them."
Buck was still confused as hell about the concentric circles, but went home and painted them on his dashboard.
That night he managed to coax a young gal into his car for a ride. Sure enough, she inquired about the design more...

On their 45th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and many great other qualities that you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

What was the name of Tom Sawyer's fish? Huckleberry Fin!