Tom Jokes

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

The teacher turns to the class and says, "Today, we will use these three words in a sentence. Defense, detail, and defeat. Tom, why don't you go first?" Tom, a white kid, goes first. Tom says, "Ahh, the football team's defense was detailed in the paper which caused the defeat of the other team." (The narrator's tone is slang-American when saying this sentence.) The teacher turns to Chang, a Chinese boy, and says, "How about you Chang?" Chang says, (narrator uses a Chinese accent), "the Defense Department gave details of the defeat of the guerrillas." "That's very good Chang, now what about you, Bong-Bong?" says the teacher. "Use defense, detail, and defeat in a sentence." Bong-Bong, the Filipino boy, doesn't want to do it. (Accent of narrator becomes heavily influenced by Ilocano or Tagalog accent). "Ma'am, ay don't know how to use it," says Bong-Bong. "Come on, just try," says the teacher. "Okay, more...

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Kuttappan was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. ”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
“OK, Kuttappan how about Tom Cruise? ”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. ”
So Kuttappan and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Babu! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! ”
Although impressed, Kuttappan’s boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else”, Kuttappan says.
“President Bush, ” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes, ” Kuttappan says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington. ”
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Kuttappan on the tour and motions him and his more...

Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin. He'd been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her. As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said, "Do you want to see my wee-wee?" She yelled, "No! No! Please zip up your fly!"Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy. On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result. Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her, "Honey, now that we're married you can now look at what I've got here," and proceeded to take out his dick. She looked at it and said, "Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!"Tom said, "No darling--you don't have to call it a wee-wee anymore; you can call it a cock." She looked at it a while and then said, "No, Tom, what you have' is' a wee-wee." A' cock' is long, thick, and black!!!