Tone Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. Ask us if we got taught how to use a computer at High School... the teachers at High School are responsible for everything we ever learned about computers.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with more...

One day a little boy and a little girl are outside playing together and they get into an argument.
The little boy holds up an army man and says " I bet you don't have one of these!"
The little girl finds her army man and holds it up "Yes I do!" she says in a superior tone.
The little boy looks through his toys and holds up a dump truck and says "Well I bet you don't have one of these!"
Once again the little girl looks through her toys and finds a dump truck and holds it up and says "Oh yes I do!" in a superior tone.
The little boy is starting to get mad so he looks through his toys and finally finds a cap gun. He holds it up and yells "Well I bet you don't have one of these!"
The little girl finds her cap gun and holds it up "Oh yes I do!" in a very snooty voice.
At this point the little boy has had it so he stands up and whips his pants down to his knees and points to his crotch and proclaims more...

* You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,
leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another
long answering machine message when you call me...
*(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have
fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call
until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but
I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh
a lot.
* You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in
"as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure
it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did
not work.
* (In a more...

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!