Tone Jokes / Recent Jokes

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, more...

Quasimodo Levy - 2
Unfortunately, this still left the church without a bell ringer. So the Abbott re-advertised the job. Another armless man showed up to apply for the position, claiming he was the dead man`s brother and, having learned all he knew about bell ringing from his brother, declared that it was only right that he take over the bell ringer`s position and succeed where his brother could not (due to his untimely death, naturally). The Abbott gave the brother the same chance to prove his ability. The brother charged at the bell smacking it with his face and eliciting a lovely mellow tone which was heard all throughout the valley. The townspeople came running into the square calling out "who rang that bell? Such tone, such vibrato - hire him, hire him!!”
Noting that it was nearing 3pm and time to ring the bell for real, Quasimodo Levy instructed the man to do the same. The man backed up to start his run and misjudged how close he was to the edge of the bell more...

"Muppet Show" theme:
It's time to leave a message
After you hear the tone,
It's time to leave a message
' Cause we're not at home tonight...
It's time to leave a message
On Kate and Shannon's phone,
It's time to leave a message
' Cause we're not at home tonight.
Just leave your name and number,
Such simple things to do,
And then when we get home we will
Get right back to you.
It's time to leave a message
After you hear the tone.
It's time to leave a message
' Cause we're not at home tonight.
Gone to get a bite,
Stayin' out all night,
Yes we have a life!
Leave a message, we're not home toniiiiight...

What's the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison strings.

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous: International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
Narrator's voice:) "There Richard sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you more...

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when. Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, more...

(A quick check list for those who need to make contact.] 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We more...