Tonight Jokes / Recent Jokes

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

A notorious tiger was on the prowl, terrorizing a village. So the villagers held a high level meeting to put down this tiger menace. A brave Sardarji stood up twisting his moustache and flexing his muscles, "I can tackle this maneater single-handed," he boasted. "Give me a cowhide and remember," he roared, "not a single soul should venture out tonight. Leave the rest to me." Now, disguised as a cow he stood as a bait waiting to ambush the tiger. Hours passed; suddenly the villagers heard someone screaming in great agony. They all dashed to the spot, only to find the Sardarji lying on the ground groaning and bleeding profusely. One of them asked the Sardarji, "What's the matter? Did you manage to kill the Tiger?" Already the villagers had begun shouting, "Sardarji jindabad, Sardarji jindabad."
"Stop, you idiots, traitors," he screamed. "Tell me first whose bull was it, whose bull was loose tonight!"

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored." What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser." One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do." I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusementpark. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. Theride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young mantook her over to the weight guesser." One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he wasabsolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, hebought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he askedwhat else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thoughtthe young man, and using the excuse he had developed aheadache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home soearly, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have anice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls
decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

You really think someone's been here?

Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here -- it's a fruitcake.

Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

It's O. K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

But that's more...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,' What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'' Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs more...

A man goes onto Stars in there eyes, the audience clap wildley as as he walks onto the stage.
He is greeted by Mathew Kelly who introduces him as "Steve, a mechanic from Manchester". Steve gives a brief description of himself, and Mathew asks, " Who are you going to be tonight Steve?" To which he replies, "Tonight mathew i'm going to be Glen Miller."
Steve turns, walks up the steps, the sliding doors open, and he walks off into the mist... and no ones seen him since.