Tonight Jokes / Recent Jokes

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone more...

It's 2: 30 AM at the local bar and Joe is drunk as usual. The bartender tells Joe that he has to leave and Joe staggers out the door.
The next night Joe comes back in sober. The bartender says "what will you have tonight?" Joe says, "I'll just have a soda tonight." The bartender says, "Joe you been coming in here and drinking for a long time and you've never had just soda before, is something wrong?" Joe says, "Yeah I think I'm going to quit drinking because last night when I got home I blew chunks." The bartender says, "Listen Joe, anyone that's ever drank before has had to much to drink and vomited before, don't let it get you down. Joe says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

1) Nice bible. 2) I would like to pray with you. 3) You know Jesus? Me too. 4) God told me to come talk to you. 5) I know a church where we could go and talk. 6) How about a hug, sister? 7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy. 8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug. 9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4: 11 10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? 11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study? 12) I am here for you. 13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," how about dinner? 14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither. 15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight? 16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart? 17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot? 18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do." 19) Do you believe in Divine appointment? 20) Have you ever tried praying at a more...

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit more...

A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"

Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight... Great! we're going to make good money tonight"

Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent... What a bunch of losers"

Finally, the Bass player: "C... G... C... G..."

Here's how a man evolves directly following marriage.
The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why do you think I proposed?
Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
After 6 months: BACK!!
After 6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?
Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
After 6 months: Here, for you
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE!
Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: AGAIN!
New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie
After 6 years: I'm more...

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her well-meaning husband.)




Monday A. M.


Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned.
Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.




Tuesday A. M.


Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the
Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your
door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.




Wednesday A. M.


Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for more...