Top Jokes / Recent Jokes
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"
The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman
#10 - You can trade an old. 44 for two new. 22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN. . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
The Top Signs That You Have A Boring Job
You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".
You have visited every website in the world.
You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.
Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.
A shapely farm girl waited on customers at the rural Mom and Pop grocery store. She was a perpetual draw of the young teenage boys in the town, not because of her beauty, but because she always wore a mini-skirt and no underwear.
Every day the boys would step up to the counter and ask for items that were on the top-most shelf in front of them. The young beauty would climb the 8-foot ladder behind the counter, then stretch as far as she could reach to retrieve the merchandise. The bulging-eyed boys would ogle the bare-bottomed delight and leave with their purchase and a bulge in their pants.
The young girl got tired of climbing the ladder for every boy who came into the store and tried rearranging the stock by putting slow-moving items on the top shelf, to no avail. No matter what she put on the top shelf, that was the most popular item of the day!
One Saturday, she was waiting on two young boys and an old farmer who had come to town for his weekly groceries. The first more...
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.' I`d like some raisin bread, please,' the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.' Is yours raisin too?' the clerk yells testily.
'No,' croaks the feeble old man....'But it's startin' to more...
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dropped his second stage too soon.
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Echoes between the ears.
Eight pawns short of a gambit.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.
End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.