Toronto Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Newfie goes to Toronto to seek his fortune, and after a couple of years is doing very well for himself. His brother calls from Newfoundland to tell him their father is very ill and probably won't survive.
"Well, if he dies I'll pay for the funeral; the best of everything, spare no expense, just send me the bill," says the Toronto Newfie.
Two weeks later he gets a bill in the mail for $7500.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets a bill for $75.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets another bill for $75.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets yet another bill for $75.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets a bill for $75.00
He calls his brother and says, "What the hell is going on; why do keep get a bill for $75.00 every week?"
His brother tells him, "Well, you said spare no expense, so we more...

A Newfie was going to Toronto on the Airplane and started talking
to an Mainlander.
Newfie: Lord Tundrin' Geeses Bye, What do you do for a livin'?
Mainlander: Well, I'm a Psychoanalyst.
Newfie: Psychoanalyst, What the Heck is that?
Mainlander: It's hard to explain so I'll give you an example.
Mainlander: Do you own a Fishtank?
Newfie: Yes, I got a tank.
Mainlander: Well, I bet you like fish then?
Newfie: Yeah, I like fish.
Mainlander: Well, if you like fish then you probably like the water.
Newfie: Yeah, I love the water.
Mainlander: Well, if you like the water, then you probably like to
go to the beach.
Newfie: I love to go the beach.
Mainlander: I bet you like to look at girls in bikinis while you're
at the beach.
Newfie: You betcha.
Mainlander: And as you're looking at girls on the beach I bet you think
about taking them home and having your way with them.
Newfie: Gosh, How did you know more...

A Toronto, a Waterloo and a Queens student were in an airplane that
crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white
throne. God addresses The Waterloo student first.
"What do you believe in?"
The Waterloo student replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion
engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that
if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and
we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and
sit at my right."
God then addresses the Queen's Student; "Well, I believe in power to the
people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things
and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I
also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come
and sit at my left."
God then more...

A newfie is walking down Yonge street in Toronto and sees a store front. The only thing inside are 2 guys sitting on stools. The newfie walks in and says "Hey what are you guys selling?" The one guy, recognizing the accent as being newfie, says "we're selling assholes!" The newfie responds "HOLY SHIT! Business must be good; you only have 2 left!!

1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein