Tourist Jokes / Recent Jokes

After a tourist had been served in the las vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she smiled and added, "sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist."Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon' n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. What is that asked one of the Yanks.

Why that is Buckingham Palace answered the taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there, and that.

That is the Post Office Tower.

Oh our towers are much bigger.

This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. Our buildings are much bigger than that one too.

I thought it might be said the taxi driver, That is the mental institute.

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican
with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.
"Take my money, my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.
"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican.
"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.
Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. "Right, now
do it again" said the Mexican.
The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.
"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."
With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.
"Good" said the Mexican, "now you give my sister a ride to the
next village."

The Japanese tourist
A tourist from Japan is walking the streets of Manhattan. He is trying to find Bloomingdales Department Store, without success. He stops an elderly Jewish-Polish woman, and asks: "Excuse me. Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"
"You found Pearl Harbour. Find Bloomingdales!"

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked.
The old man replied, "Nope."

So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"
"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.
"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.
"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the American Embassy."