Toys Jokes / Recent Jokes
A short while ago, someone posted the annual scientific analysis of the Santa Claus story, which can be summed as as Traumatized, I forwarded it one to my friend, Joe Beirne, who knows more about science than I do. He returned this rebuttal. As far as I can figure it, Santa lives. It is we that are an illusion.
here's the answer:
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996
From:
To:
Subject: Re: The scientific view of Santa
Santa is probably a creature entirely existant only in the 23rd dimension. Mass, velocity and time have no measurable effect on his efforts on Christmas. As a matter of fact, true-to-legend, in his sub-atomic world it is *always* Christmas. He has essentially forever to deliver the presents, which he unfolds to 4 dimensions using some kind of gravity well (?) (He probably does not live on the North Pole per se, but on one pole of a dipole quantum singularity from whence he focuses his present-sending.) v What we more...
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us... 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and more...
See Mother. See Mother laugh. Mother is happy. Mother is happy
about Christmas. Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for
Christmas. Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time.
Funny, funny Mother.
See mother. See mother smile. Mother is happy. The shopping is all
done. See the children watch T. V. Watch children, watch. See the
children change their minds. See them ask Santa for different toys.
Look, look, Mother is not smiling. Funny, funny Mother.
See Mother. See Mother sew. Mother will make dresses. Mother will
make robes. Mother will make shirts. Look. .. Mother put the
zipper in wrong. See Mother sews the dress on the wrong side. See
Mother cut the skirt too short. See Mother put the material away
until January. Look, look, see Mother take a tranquilizer. Funny,
funny Mother.
See Mother. See Mother buy raisins and nuts. See Mother buy
candied pineapple and powdered sugar. See more...
A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.
“Yes, ” the pet store owner said, “this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions. ”
The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.
“That’s to be expected, ” said the pet shop owner. “Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you. ” Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot’s owner returned and said there still had been no talking.
“I see, ” said the pet shop owner. “Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it. ” A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. more...
Banta comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pyajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food-boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog-food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
Banta headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife, Preeto. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pyajamas on, reading a book.
Preeto looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. Banta looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did more...
Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.
He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: "WE WANT TOYS! WE WANT TOYS!!!"
But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: "A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!"
Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: "WE WANT TOYS! WE WANT TOYS!!!"But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: "A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!"