Tree Jokes / Recent Jokes

Day 1 Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las
night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree
would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2 Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got
was 2 scrawny pigeon.
Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3 Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of
eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to
Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog,
Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting
rooster.
Day 4 Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez
four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all
da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the
rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5 Dear Emile, You finally sent more...

A tree never hits an automobile... except in self-defense.

One evening, an Indian walked into the old western town near the out skirts of his village.

When he got to main street he headed straight for the whorehouse. When he got to the whorehouse he walked up to a woman there and he held out a small bag of gold and said, "me have money, me want woman."

She looked him up and down and said, "Boy, you need to know how to make love to a woman, before getting with one of my girls. Come back when you have some experience." The Indian left and walked out of the town back to his village.

The following day he went out to the woods and found a tree with a knothole in it, and had his way with the tree, and proceeded on with other trees late into the evening.

The following evening, the Indian walked back into town with his sack of gold in one hand and a 2x4 piece of wood in the other. When he stepped inside the whorehouse, the same older woman greeted him...

He then held out his more...

A man called the gorilla exterminator because a gorilla was in the tree in his front yand. When the exterminator came he had a gun, a stick, and a dog. He explained that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until it falls from the tree.
"Then my dog will bite his testicles off."
The guy suspiciously asked, "What is the gun for?"
The exterminator replied, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, then you shoot the dog."

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation."I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager."Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?""Autumn," he replied.

' Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, more...

A man is starving in the desert and he comes across a tree with houses in it. He knocks on the door and an old man answers.
AHH, a visitor, said the man. well come inside and ill show u 2 a room. The man went to his room at the highest part of the tree. Oh, and dont have a dream of torture or u shall evoke the Three Chinese Tortures.
So, the man goes to sleep and he has a dream of torture. When he wakes up he has a heavy rock on his chest and a sticky note tied to it. it says: 1st chinese toture, 100lbs rock on chest. So the man picked up the rock and threw it out of the window. A sticky note on the window says: 2nd chinese toture: rock tied to left testicle. The man screams as he is falling out of the room and he sees a chalkoard with the word: 3rd chinese torture: right testicle tied to bedpost. OUCH!!!