Tuesday Jokes / Recent Jokes

This company hires a new bloke and he's supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up he calls his boss and says, "I'm sick." His boss tells him not to worry and lets him have the day off. The bloke then shows up at work on Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday he once again calls his boss and says, "I'm sick." The boss reluctantly excuses him again, but takes note that this is the second Monday in a row that he hasn't been in. Once again the man shows up on Tuesday morning and works furiously throughout the week.
The following Monday he calls his boss again and says, "I'm sick." His boss excuses him, but decides to castigate the man on Tuesday. Tuesday comes and as soon as the bloke shows up, his boss calls him into his office. What's happening?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and more...

The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter more...

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?""274" was his reply.The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?""Tuesday" replies the second man.The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times
three"?"Nine" says the third man."That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins: 1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help. 2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs. 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4: 00 p. m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5: 00 p. m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 10. This being more...

Two mexicans walk into a drug store (walgreens) and they are passing by the condoms section and one asked the other what this 6 pack of condoms was for and he says,"thats for us Mexicans" one for monday, one for tuesday, one for wednesday, one for thursday, one for friday, one for saturday, and never on sunday. He does the sign of the cross.Then there walking along again and then he sees an 8 pack and he asks him what that was for and he says thats for the black people " one for monday, one for tuesday, one for wednesday, one for thursday, one for friday, one for saturday, and twice on sunday.Then they walk along again and one mexican sees a 12 and aked what that was for and the mexican says thats for the white people one for january, one for february, one for march...

...ruby tuesday restaurant chain has abandoned plans to build a new restaurant on the moon...after researching the project, they came back with following results....good location, great service, excellent food, no atmosphere.

IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown]
(To justify God’s ways to the 21st century.)
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
: Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
: God
#Enter password.
: Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
: Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
: Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
: Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
: Create light
#Done
: Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12: 02: 00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92. 50.
#And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Monday, March 2.
: Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
: Create firmament
#Done.
: Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 more...