Pastor Jokes

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said,' We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.'

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,' Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The old man replied,' No problem at all, Pastor.'

'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The man replied,' The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.'

'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two more...

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows," the groom said. "When you get to me and the part where it asks if I promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
The day of the wedding arrived, and they reached the part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked him in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every wish and command, serve her breakfast in bed each and every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped, looked around, and replied in a meek voice, more...

An Act of Charity
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little
extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be
able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000
bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had
placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly
raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she
made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave
so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she
looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the
building and said, "
I'll take him and him and him."

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will more...