Tune Jokes / Recent Jokes

Santa: I Tried Your Number So Many Times, It Always Said' Switched Off'!"
Banta: Nahi Pape, It's My Hello Tune!

Hark the bar room voices sing
Out of tune and everything
Christmas time and lets go wild
Make the persian gulf look mild
Let's get drunk and all fall down
Take the car and speed thru town
Wrap yourself around a pole
Put your family on the dole
Hark the bar room voices scream
Pass the jug of irish cream
Get up early christmas dawn
Yawn the technicolor yawn
Kids are howling with delight
You were out too late last night
Even smiling hurts your head
Open gifts, go back to bed
Hark the bar room voices bark
Where's the jug of cutty sark
Christmas comes home once a year
Don't you think you should be there
People love you, don't be jerky
Go home, eat some christmas turkey
Hug someone and then you say
Have a happy holiday

TOP15. Some of the myths about marriage... Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping more...

To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why, Daddy's home and I think he's drunk. He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks, Daddy's home and boy is he drunk, He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track. Sooooooo.... You better not pout, you better not cry, I don't like that look in his eye, Daddy's home and I think he's.... Daddy's home and boy is he....... Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn’t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don’t even play more...

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...

Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9. 69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...

Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.

Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.

There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
' Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss more...

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one. Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You more...