Tune Jokes

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
"WHAT!?" says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn't care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don't even play more...

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...
Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...
Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.
Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.
There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
'Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.
Seventy eight screaming more...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she more...

The Holiday Season
(To the tune of "Deck The Halls")
' Tis the season to be greedy!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Treat ourselves, forget the needy!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Charging gifts with wild abandon!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Credit limits not withstandin'!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Sing we now the spendthrift's carol!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Buying presents by the barrel!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Throwing parties, being merry!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
' Till bills come in January!
Fa la la la la, La La La La!!!