Twenty Jokes / Recent Jokes

Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair,
soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar
principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in
their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's
surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of
directed-pressure explosions more...

Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn! "

Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.

Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into more...

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a 20 pound note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's och batt er. How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "1,990 pounds, exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman. knew I wasn't quite feeling two more...

It was New Year's Eve. .. by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar.

"I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble." The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit. "Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home."

The drunk protests... "N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble..."

"Tell you what," the bartender says. "You got any 20 dollar bills on you?"

The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies... "Y-yeah, I got a few...." The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. "There more...

DOCTOR: WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO YOU.
PATIENT: I AM GOING TO DIE IN TEN MINUTES.
DOCTOR: WAIT FOR TWENTY MINUTES I AM COMING.

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years." "No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium" . Check the more...