Twenty Jokes / Recent Jokes

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty your hair, eighteen and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"$200", he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing more...

There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde all in an adults only erotic shop.
The red head walks up to the counter and tells the man that she would like the red vibrator.
He takes it down off the shelf and says "ok that'll be twenty dollars." She pays and goes off on her merry way.
The brunette walks up to the man and says that she would like the yellow vibrator.
He take the yellow one off the shelf and says "ok, miss, that'll be twenty dollars."
She pays and goes off on her merry way.
The blonde walks over to the man blushes and says "yes, sir, I would like the plaid one please." The man turns around to see the "plaid vibrator" and smiling, says "that'll be 75 dollars."
The blonde pays and goes off on her merry way.
The owner of the store comes in and asks the man how the sales were that day.
He replies, "Well, I sold a red and a yellow vibrator for 20 dollars each, and i sold your thermos more...

Three criminals were each sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement for the crimes they commited. Each of them were told they would be permitted to bring one thing into the cells with them.
The first one requested a stack of books. The second one asked for his wife and the third asked for a couple hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they opened up the first criminal's cell. He came out smiling and said, "That was great. I read and studied so hard, I'm bright enough now to be a lawyer."
They then opened the second criminal's cell and he emerged with his wife and four children. "That was the most wonderful time of my life," he said. "My wife and I have never been closer and we have a wonderful family to show for it."
When they opened the third criminal's cell, he staggered out, shaking uncontrollably and stammered, "Anyone have a match?"

20 dollars
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty more...

The following is a list of the Cartoon Laws Of Physics:
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure more...

A Vietnamese couple who has been married for twenty years went to the wedding reception of a close comrade's daughter. During the ring exchange ceremony, the husband started to cry profusely.

The wife, surprised by her husband's emotional outburst, said, " I didn't realize that you have so much feeling to share with your comrade's happiness."

The husband replied, "No, you are wrong! That was not why I cried."

He continued, "Twenty years ago, your father caught us doing it, and threatened that if I don't marry you, your VC father will put me behind bars for twenty years. Weeping even louder, the husband said, "If I had just gone to jail, I would've been a free man by now. I made a big mistake. "