Twenty Jokes / Recent Jokes
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world twenty feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another twenty feet, and the guy joined him a moment later. The diver went down even farther and the same guy was right behind him.
The confused diver took out out his waterproof chalkboard and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you freakin moron...!"
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But its a decent town and nobody really bothers him. One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars". All of the kids called out their guesses. One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country." "Thats excellent" said the teacher. Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves." "Thats also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite. One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France." Another excellent choice said the teacher. Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand. nSo the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever more...
I was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said, "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.
Then he asked, "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party."
It was New Year's Eve. .. by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar." I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble." The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit. "Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home." The drunk protests... "N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble...""Tell you what," the bartender says. "You got any 20 dollar bills on you?" The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies... "Y-yeah, I got a few...." The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. "There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what more...
A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink.... he notices thatat the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has everseen.... he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must haveher.... He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has anySpanish-fly in the back.... the bartender says he will check and comesback a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder.... hesays to the man..."this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that.... butthis is just as good.... this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to gether over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" so the manforks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into achampagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with hiscompliments..... The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero ratherdisinterestedly..... but about twenty minutes later she slinks off herbarstool.... she saunters across the room toward our hero in a more...
Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He cant hear you.