Under Jokes / Recent Jokes
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter more...
Yo Mama is so dumb that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a more...
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. The waitress,
taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was
slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting
unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from
him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order,
she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't.
He just walked in the door."
Accountants do it with Double Entry Acupuncturists do it with a small prick Ambulance drivers come quicker Australians do it Down Under Bach did it using the organ Bankers do it with interest Bartenders do it on the Rocks Batman does it using his Robin Bookkeepers do it for the record Bosses delegate the task to others Chess players check their Mates Cops do it with cuffs DJs do it on request Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Dentists do it orally Detectives do it under cover Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers Elevator men do it up and down Engineers do it to specifications Engineers do it to a first order approximation Firemen do it with a big hose Frank Sinatra does it his way Garbagemen come twice a week Gardeners do it on the bushes Gas attendants Pump all day Golfers do it in 18 holes Landlords do it every 1st of the month Managers make others do it Marketing reps do it on commission Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free Teachers do it more...
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received more...