Understand Jokes / Recent Jokes
He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words. Elbert Hubbard
Sylvester Stallone said he brought 48 vials of HGH into Australia because he "just didn't understand some of the rules here."
I'd like to explain the rules to Stallone in a way he might understand.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's more...
She was young, she was beautiful, she was married - and she was with her lawyers seeking a divorce. "What are the grounds?" said the lawyer. "Well, after a year of marriage, I'm still a virgin," she replied. Looking at her, the lawyer found that hard to understand. "What are the circumstances?" he asked. "Well," she said, "I'm married to an IBM salesman. He's a good provider, works hard, works late." This did not seem a promising start and the lawyer indicated accordingly. "But," she continued, "every evening when he comes home he sits at the end of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be - and then he falls asleep." "What are the grounds?" said the lawyer. "Well, after a year of marriage, I'm still a virgin," she replied. Looking at her, the lawyer found that hard to understand. "What are the circumstances?" he asked. "Well," she said, "I'm married to an IBM more...
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guywith a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinschersays to the guy with a Chihuahua,' Let's go over tothat restaurant and get something to eat.' The guy with the Chihuahua says,' We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,' Just follow my lead.' They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the DobermanPinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walkin. A guy at the door says,' Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,' You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says,' A Doberman Pinscher?' He says,' Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.' The guy at the door says,' Come on in.' The guy with the Chihuahua figures,' What the hell,' so he putson a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says,' Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Chihuahua says,' You don't understand. This ismy more...
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. Resistance to Beer4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without more...
T H E "F" - W O R D S T Y L E G U I D E
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language"fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective(Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible more...