Undertaker Jokes / Recent Jokes

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied, "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, huh?"

An undertaker had a busy day at work, and in front of him, was 3 new bodies that had been sent from the hospital.
The first one his mouth opened wide. He then moved on to see the next body. It too had opened his mouth widely.
Surprised, he went over to the last body. This body was charred and had a huge smile on his face.
Feeling puzzled, he turned to ask the hospital personnel:" What actually happened to these people?
"Well.." replied the personnel, "The first man died from laughing too much at a joke."
"The second man died while telling a very funny joke."
"The last man..well, he died while taking a picture. At least that was what he thought he was doing. He thought that the lightning was a camera's flash."

It seems a new widow was upset with the director of the local funeral parlor. "I brought his dark blue suit in here. That's what he always wore. You've dressed him in this shabby beige one. I'm really displeased!" the grieving woman lamented.Rubbing his hands in anguish, the funeral parlor director, fearful of the woman's telling others about his mistake and giving his competitor down the street some satisfaction, assured the lady the error would be soon corrected. "Please have a seat right here," the director urged the woman. "It won't take long, I assure you!"The woman sat down, took out a hankie and dabbed at her eyes, fighting back the tears that would not seem to stop since she lost her dearly beloved husband. No sooner than she had tucked the moistened cloth back in her purse, the doors to the preparation room" swung open, the modest casket being rolled back into the viewing room. She hurried over. "Oh, yes, that's dear Ralph! That's more more...

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the more...

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time." The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and more...

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next
to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I
am."
"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't
you say?"

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down nextto the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked."He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than Iam.""Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn'tyou say?"