United Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Collins family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. For generations, their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between Canada and the United States. Mrs. Collins, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and two grandchildren.
One day, her son rushed into her room with a letter in his hand. "Mom, I have some news," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother replied. "Jump at it! Call them immediately and tell them we accept. I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1, 000, 000. 00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500, 000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. .. no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the more...

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines wed like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.

"Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way."

The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no."

"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."

"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young more...

The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work. People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work. Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work. Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers. Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work. There are 2, 500, 000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers. However, 450, 000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50, 000 to do the work. Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49, 998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!

A typical American's lifestyle -

"He drove his German car made of Swedish steel and interior of Argentine
leather to a gasoline station, where he filled up with Arab oil shipped in a
Liberian tanker and bought two French tires, composed of rubber from Sri
Lanka."

"At home, he dropped his Moroccan briefcase, hung up his Scottish tweed coat,
removed his Italian shoes and Egyptian cotton shirt, then donned a Hong Kong
robe and matching slippers from Taiwan."

"More comfortable now, he poured a cup of hot Brazilian coffee into an
English coffee mug, set a Mexican placemat on an Irish linen tablecloth atop
a Danish table varnished with linseed oil from India."

Then he filled his Austrian pipe with Turkish tobacco, lit it, and picked up
a Japanese ball-point pen with which he wrote a letter to his congressman
demanding to know why the United States has an unfavorable balance more...