United Jokes / Recent Jokes

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
China blames U. S. for second mid-air collision!
Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States, ” Fully responsible” for today’s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U. S. spy plane.
Officials have stated that at approximately 8: 46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.
A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed “Panda Rash”, told China’s news agency that he saw the American blimp dive more...

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President`s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man`s tractor."Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath."Did you see this terrible accident happen?""Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly."Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?""Yep.""Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped."Nope. They`s all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. more...

There was a proper Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him out to a golf course for a round of golf. The man had never played the game before.
Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. The man replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. . . "
The man continued, "Name of game is' Oh Sh**.'"

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

A tourist from the United States of America is at a resturantin Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the bestcountry in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says,"Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in frontof the White House in Washington D. C. and yell PresidentClinton is a bastard! and nothing would be done to me." TheCuban waiter replies, "We have that same freedom in Cuba. Icould stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing andnothing would be done to me too!"

It was Christmas and David Beckham had just lost his
career in English Football Squad, been sacked from Manchester United and had been dumped up Victora Beckham (his wife)
He was about to commit sucide when all of a sudden he heard a jingle and a "ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"
He stopped and looked around and he saw Santa Claus pull up to him on his Sleigh.
Santa said "David what are you doing?"
David replied "I've just lost my
career in the English Football Squad, been sacked from Manchester United and had been dumped up wife.
So I am about to commit sucide of this cliff."
Santa replied "well David as you know I am Santa Claus and I can grant you any 3 wishes you want, but first you must do me a favour"
He instructed David to pull down his pants and bent over while Santa did his business.
Over that David pulled up his trousers and said "Santa these are my 3 wishes, can you get me back into more...

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the
first woman as well as the first Jewish President, Ms. Shirley Vineberg.

So the President-elect calls up her mother in Brooklyn a few weeks after Election Day.

"So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a six hour drive, and your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy; I don't know what on Earth I would wear."

"Oh mom," replies Susan, "Don't worry about it. I'll make sure you have some wonderful dresses by Christian Dior."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to more...