Universe Jokes / Recent Jokes
There are a few “secrets” to getting along in life, and here are some of the better ones: 1. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and will never achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings. ” 2. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness. ” 3. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 4. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT use, as His messenger, person on cable TV with a bad hair style. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, or what you say, or how you say it, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you more...
What if Physicists wrote product disclaimers instead of lawyers?
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WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "uncertainty principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process more...
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. TJ's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have more...
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towardslegislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionarythought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch thesurface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especiallytrue in light of the findings of 20th century physics.We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together inan intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placementof suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offeredfor sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of requiredwarnings appears below.Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.Warning: This Product Attracts Every more...
25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 9. The more...
In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.
On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and more...
There are all kinds of dress codes and laws on a golf course, but more importantly, there are laws of life that you will adhere to if you play the game.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If more...