Upgrade Jokes / Recent Jokes

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is' Microsoft'?"Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called' Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"Data "Yes, Captain. But when' Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an' upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially more...

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said more...

If Microsoft Ran The IRS “Government should be run like a business. ” We’ve all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody’s favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).
- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft’s example and actually ship them the following May.
- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users’ group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country’s intellectual property.
- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to more...

Are you UP for an UPgrade?
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always lauched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and more...

Subject: If cars were *really* like computers

What if cars really were like computers? You'd have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up... Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline...

HelpLine:' General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer:' I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side.'

HelpLine:' How did you try to open the passenger's side?'

Customer:' I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side.'

HelpLine:' People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way.'

HelpLine:' General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer:' How do I turn my windshield wipers on?'

HelpLine:' There's a little button more...