Upstairs Jokes / Recent Jokes

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon."Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked."Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?""No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?""No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

Old Seamus Flattery is upstairs dying and the neighbor women are downstairs with Seamus` wife cooking for the wake. The neighborhood men are out in the back passing a pint and the irish priest is coming every three hours to say the rosary. But old Seamus comes out of his coma and calls weakly for his wife: "Johanna, Johanna. .. " Downstairs one of the ladies hears him and says to Johanna: "It`s himself, he`s calling for you." So, Johanna climbs upstairs quickly and comes in the room. Johanna: "Oh Seamus me darling what it is?" Seamus: "Is that a ham I smell cooking down there?" Johanna: "Oh aye it tis indeed - a fine big ham." Seamus: "And did you put the cloves to it and cover it with mustard?" Johanna: "Oh aye, its just the way you like it." Seamus: "And would you be after cutting me a small piece?" Johanna: "Oh Seamus you always was such a joker - we`re saving the ham for your wake!"

A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes
downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's
hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering
on the wardrobe floor.
"You bonehead!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart
attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the
kids!"

Saturday morning... and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf
when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes
the washing machine is coming around at noon.
Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little
girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mammy near the
phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!"
"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mammy!" she replies.
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do?? Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mammy and Uncle
Frank that my car's
just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" she says.
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I more...

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep". Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But b efore he got to more...

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said themadam.

"No, I must see Natalie," was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $ 1, 000 a visit. Without hesitation, the
man pulled out 10 one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two
nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $ 1, 000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, more...