Upstairs Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day a twelve-year-old walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says, "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?"
He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam says, "Okay have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty minutes."
He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "She has to have active herpes."
The madam starts to sputter and asks why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "Active herpes."
She responds, "Okay have a seat - it'll be about ten minutes." Ten minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal.
As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay why did you want someone with active herpes?"
The kid replies, more...

They turned on a night light, turned the answer machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and threw the cat into the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had thrown into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a more...

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. more...

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"
Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says.
"Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink". So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.
A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks... "Do you have any toilet paper?"

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.''
The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''
''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says."Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink". So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks... "Do you have any toilet paper?"

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking,' Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."