Upstairs Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
A man and his wife were all ready to go out for the evening. They had gotten all dolled up, put the cat out and were just waiting for the taxi to arrive.
The taxi arrived, and as they walked out of their house, the cat ran back inside.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He won't be long. He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab and said, "Sorry I took so long. The stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
A guy walks in a bar and it turns out it's a private bar. The guy wants to join since it's such a nice bar, so he asks the bartender what he has to do.
The bartender says there are 3 stages. First you must drink 5 shots of tequila. Then you must go pet the alligator in the backroom, then there is a 60 year old woman upstairs who is very horny. You must pleasure her. The man reluctantly agrees.
He downs the tequila and is drunk off his ass. He goes into the backroom and there is a huge commotion and weird screams are heard, he comes out bloody and bruised, he says nothing and heads upstairs. He comes back down in a few seconds. The bartender is confused.
The man goes to the bartender and says, "There, I've just petted the old woman. Am I in?"
Dave called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Dave. "Is mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Kevin."
After a brief pause, Dave said, "But you don't have an Uncle Kevin, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Kevin that my car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out more...
John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid more...
A blonde man comes home from work and hears moaning and screaming from the bedroom. So he goes upstairs and finds his wife lying on the bed naked, sweaty, and panting. He asked her what was wrong and she said, "I'm having a heartattack" so he runs downstairs to call 911 when one of his little kids comes to him and says, "daddy, daddy uncle bob's hiding in the closet naked." The furious blonde man goes back upstairs and sure enough he finds his naked brother in the closet and says to him, "you son-of-a-bitch, my wife's having a heartattack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light,
turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the
cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for
the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon "He's just
going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive
away. "Stupid more...