Use Jokes / Recent Jokes
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You more...
Nowe u two can rite gud! Howe two rite gudFrank L. ViscoVice-president and Senior Copywriter at US Advertising. My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules: Avoid alliteration. Always. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. Contractions aren't necessary. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. One should never generalize. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: ``I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.''Comparisons are as bad as cliches. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. Profanity sucks dick. Be more or less specific. Understatement is always best. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. One-word sentences? Never. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a more...
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter,
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter,
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded,
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters -- let's send the whole flock!
Launch more...
OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
“We’ll do it better, ” Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U. S. or California soil in U. S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late more...
A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000. "How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed. "So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up." "But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple. "If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply. "In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man. "What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!" "If yo u didn't use - that's your more...
Somewhat skeptical of his son`s newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department. "Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I`ll use them every day." "I don`t know, Michael. It`s really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out. "Please, Dad?" "They`re not cheap either." "I`ll use them Dad, I promise. You`ll see." Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"
Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's "papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella
you about thata one when you getta married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa. Tony said "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love more...