Used Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just more...

I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I'm chained to this really ugly old thing as penance."
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was more...

The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare

15>' How about a little Puck?'

14>' Of course,' Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady.'

13>' Et tu, Cutie?'

12>' Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?'

11>' If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?'

10>' Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?'

9>' My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent.'

8>' Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the

evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean.'

7>' Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?'

6>' Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!'

5>' Greetings to you, fair sailor.'

4>' But soft, what light through yonder trousers more...

Tons of Puns
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor more...

Love' em or hate' em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try' em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are called so... enjoy and pass' em on!

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that more...

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

When I was in highschool, we had a sex ED class. My teacher, Mrs. Buklad, who was almost nun-like taught the class. One day a boy in my class asked what flavored condoms were for. She said "Well, normally they are used for blowjobs. In fact, I used one last night, my partner said is tastes good." We all stared blankly at him/her.