Used Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
1a. Your graduation lasted 20 minutes.
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home.
2a. You can smell the difference between different animals' manure.
3. You know what 4-H is.
3a. You were in 4-H.
3b. You can walk through the entire county fair in 15 minutes.
4. You ever went to "headlight parties".
4a. Your busiest intersection does not have a stop light.
5. You used to drag "main".
5a. You noticed when there was a new car in town.
6. You said the "f" word and your parents knew within the hour.
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't.
8. You ever went cow-tipping.
9. You have gone to an auction as a social gathering.
10. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the "buyer" for all of the best parties.
11. You have more...
My sister used to work for the government, but now she has seniority.
Yo Mama so old...
She left her purse on Noah's Ark.
Jurassic Park brought back the memories...
When she ran the 100 meter dash, they timed yo mama with a sundial.
She still owes Moses a dollar.
When she was at school... there was No history class!
She uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea
She's got the first autographed Koran.
She co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
When I asked for Her ID yo mama handed me a rock
She even made Yoda jealous.
She recalls When the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
The fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
When She gave birth, You came out with Dentures.
She sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
Her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.
Her birthday expired.
When Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo mama fishing on the other side!
She got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
Her social security number is 000-000-001
She's got more...
Below are fine examples of what happens when marketing translations fail to reach a foreign country in an understandable way. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick". Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of more...
Sheldon Scheney sent me this article in response to my post about the competition between San Jose's Mayor's office and San Jose's Police department as to which was funnier.
I had heard about the drug lord wedding sting. I always enjoy a good sting. The pawn shop sting was used successfully in Washington DC a few years ago. One of my favorites, if not quite a sting, was back when truckers were forming convoys to scoff the 55 mile an hour speed limit. Maryland State Police had an 18 wheeler they had confiscated hauling something illegal, so they used it as an unmarked police car. It would infiltrate convoys, identify the trucks, one by one as it either passed them or was passed by them, then the whole convoy was stopped and everybody ticketed.
Another I enjoyed was last December as I was driving up route 95 - a favorite highway up the east coast from Florida past many east coast cities like Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia, New York, heavily used by drug traffickers and more...
THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.
Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.
Biological Science: A contradiction in more...