Valentine Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1, 000 Valentine cards signed,' Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
Top ten way *I'm* spending this valentine's day.
10. Watching "Fatal Attraction" over and over to remind me what I'm not
missing.
9. Trying to decide how much to pay for sex... $20, $50, $200, the rest of
my life?
8. Wondering if the Asian mail order woman company really has a money-back
guarantee.
7. Calling all the women I've gone out with in the last year, and asking them
if they enjoyed my wedding presents.
6. Renting the Jocelyn Elders workout video.
5. Waiting until tomorrow when I can buy all the really cheap chocolate, then
eating like a pig.
4. Taking my significant other, Candy, to be patched at the local bicycle
repair shop.
3. Compaigning for a law banning the following phrases:
Can't we just be friends?
I think of you as a brother. (sister)
I mean *sleep* together.
You'd like him - he's a lot like you.
My boyfriend (girlfriend) and i got back together.
Sure, I'll go out with you.. more...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I`m sending out 1, 000 Valentine cards signed, `Guess who?`"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I`m a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Walking into the post office, Joe saw a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter busily placing 'love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then removed a perfume bottle from his pocket and started spraying the scent on the envelopes.
Jack was overcome with curiosity and asked the man what he was doing.
"I'm sending out 1000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess Who'," the man explained.
"Why?" asked Jack.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunkBut the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollowUnless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the storeIn hopes that, later, you'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so rightI just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of classEspecially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famishedBut now I'm fulfilled.. . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to passOur love has grown.. . but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey.. . and you're a cutieI just wished you had J-Lo's "booty". 2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or cornySo, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny! 1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR VALENTINE'S DATE
* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just more...
There were three men drinking at Pete's Bar
A Doctor, an Attorney, and a Biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go f **** herself!"