Variety Jokes

Dear Santa:
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.
We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, more...

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press
start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of
the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the more...

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your
dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: Then enter: .
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the
oven and enter . This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, more...

Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:
First, you must remove the plastic cover. In doing so, you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner as this would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights. However, you may allow others to smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Now, set the oven using the following keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner which are found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking, then press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and more...

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife. ”Good grief, ” says Jim, “you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss? ”
"Well, ” replies Fred, “truth be known, I’m just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankering’ for a bit of variety. ”Jim replied, “Well, if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again? ”Fred says, “What? And have a house full of kids? ”