Vehicle Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tommy Kempfer and Lisa Thompson had been living in a truck, hoping to outlast the other in a contest to win a new 30,000-dollar vehicle from WMAD-FM in Madison. After 55 days, the station became concerned that the contest would never end. On Tuesday, the station offered the two a compromise: End the contest and receive 10,000 dollars toward the purchase of a new vehicle or continue with the runner-up receiving nothing. Both agreed to the deal. The truck was later donated to a local homeless shelter; it was returned the next day because the shelter said the truck smelled awful.

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is more...

Redneck Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck Personal Hygiene
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for more...

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1, 500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Bathhouses are against the law. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Women may not drive in a house coat. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. Arcadia Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. Alhambra You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. Baldwin Park Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." Blythe You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. Burlingame more...

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters' UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what' UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. more...

A man bought a brand new Grand Cherokee for 30-some thousand dollars with $400+ dollar monthly
payments. He immediately got hold of his friend and they went to do some male bonding. They went duck
hunting... and of course, all the lakes are frozen.
The two went to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drove
out onto the lake ice and got ready. Now, they wanted to make some kind of a natural landing area for
the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole
large enough to look like something a wandering duck would want to fly down and land on, it is going
to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the new Grand Cherokee came the new owner, the friend, the dog, and a stick of dynamite
with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these 2 Rocket Scientists did take into consideration that if they
placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a more...

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.



ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.



DATING more...