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The Rules - Finally from a Male point of view!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! And please
note. .. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear
us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be
opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present. . . . . . again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Ask for more...

MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make-up in more...

A Child`s View of MarriageWhen my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?"

A young woman is standing on the balcony of her apartment admiring the view, when she slips and falls over the side. She is caught a few floors down by a man who happens to also be out on his balcony.
"Oh, thank you," says the young woman, to which the man replies, "Do you suck?" "No!" says the horrified young woman, so he drops her.
She falls down some more floors when she is once again caught by a man who's out on his balcony.
"Oh, thank you," she says, to which he replies, "Do you fuck?" "No!!" she says, once again shocked. He too drops her.
As she is falling, she prays for one last chance. A third man who's standing on his balcony catches her.
Quickly, she yells to the man, "I Suck, I Fuck!"
"Slut!" he says, as he drops her.

Three ladies passing by the door to the men's locker room at the local country club, accidently catch a brief glimpse of a man with his face obscured by the towel he is using to dry his hair, but they get a good view of his nakedness from the waist down.
The first lady says, "Well, I didn't see his face, but he's certainly not my husband!"
The second lady says, "And he isn't mine, either!"
The third lady says, "Hell, he isn't even a member of the club!"

Breaking news: On Rosie O'Donnell's first episode of "The View," Tom Cruise is going to be a guest. Instead of the couch, Tom is going to use her stomach as a trampoline. The reason he is jumping from excitement? Star Jones is off the show!!!

Katie Holmes will be waiting backstage but will not be allowed to speak.

My mother lives outside of Hartford, Connecticut, and one Saturday morning she asked me to drive her to a dental appointment in White Plains, New York. Not because there is a lack of dentists in Connecticut, but because my family is originally from New York and we kept our regular dentist after moving from the state.

However, time was not our ally that morning and we were running late. As with any person who is behind the time, the natural reaction is to step on the gas. So we were zooming down the Merritt Parkway and from the right corner of my eye I noticed a blur on a hill overlooking the road. The blur looked like a grey car with flashing lights on its roof. You get the idea.

About three minutes later, I saw that blur in my rear view mirror. Its lights were flashing and my super-duper hearing could pick up the faint trace of a distant siren. “Ma, we’re going to be pulled over,” I said to my mother.

“Why?” she asked, not aware that I parted more...