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ABC announced that Rosie O'Donnell will join the cast of "The View," as well as other changes to the program. The policy of four menopausal harpies yapping at the same time while testing the patience of anyone who isn't a homebound pregnant woman will remain the same.

Three blondes are training to be police officers. The man who is training them takes out a picture and asks the first blonde, “What do you notice about the man in this picture? ”
The blonde says, “He only has one eye! ”.
The man says “No, no, it’s a side view. ”
Then he says to the second blonde, “What do you notice about this man? ”
. The 2nd blonde says, “He only has one ear! ”.
The man says “Hello, it’s a side view! Geez! ”.
So the man goes over to the last blonde and says, “What do you notice about this man? ”
. The final blonde says, “He wears contacts! ”
The man goes to the FBI computer and looks the man in the picture up - sure enough - he wears contacts!
The man says, “How did you know that? ”
. The blonde says “Well, if he only has one eye and one ear, how can he wear glasses? ”

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make-up in rear view more...

Some cows view each day as the last roundup, others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunityto eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.

An international view of the law:

In the United States, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.

In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.

In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.

In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.

In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.
The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"