Visiting Jokes / Recent Jokes
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time wasbeing wined and dined by the State Department. The GrandEmir was unused to the salt in American foods (frenchfries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantlysending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with aglass of water, but then came the time when he returnedempty-handed."Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"demanded the Grand Emir."A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered thewretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."
Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: “Y’all” is singular, “All y’all” is plural, and “All y’alls’” is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing “You ain’t from around here, are ya? ”
5. You may hear a Southerner say “Oughta! ” to a dog or child. This is short for “Y’all oughta not do that! ” and is the equivalent of saying “No! more...
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.""What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter."My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
An Italian tourist is visiting London for the first time in his life and speaks no English. After looking at monuments around town he gets lost. It is midday and he is getting hungry,... he takes out his dictionary and starts looking at shops to find a restaurant, Chemist = farmacia, No! Newsagent=Giornalaio. No! Real Estate=Immobiliare. No!. ..and so on until he he sees a shop with the sign "HOT DOGS" He looks at the translation and thinks " They eat dogs, how disgusting!... " After looking around some more, he cannot find another restaurant and thinks: I`m hungry, if they can eat dogs, so can I!. He goes in, takes out his dictionary and with apprehension orders one hot dog. When the waitress brings him the hot dog, he looks at it for a moment and says: - Please... I will eat any part of of the dog. .. except THAT ONE!...
Visiting the sun
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.
The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."
The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."
The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to. .. the Sun!"
The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"
The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service". Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"