Wake Jokes / Recent Jokes
How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M's.
A lawyer is driving in the middle of nowhere and his car breaks
down. After waiting a while, a farmer comes along and asks what
the problem is. Discovering what the problem is, the farmer
offers his home to the lawyer to stay for the night.
Later that night, the lawyer is asleep, and the farmer's wife
comes in his room and wants to have sex with him. The lawyer
says, "No, you're husband will wake up and catch us." The wife
replies, "My husband is a heavy sleeper he won't wake up, I
promise." To prove it, she takes the lawyer into her room where
her husband is butt-naked and tells him to pull one of the hairs
on his ass. The lawyer does it and the farmer doesn't wake up.
Then they go back to the room and have sex. About 2 hours later,
the wife comes back and wants more. The lawyer says once again
"You're husband will wake up and catch us." The wife says, "I
already told you, he's a more...
George CarlinAds in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." --------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)' Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. - ----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like' Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of' Gosh?' of the church of' Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of more...
Early One Morning, A Lady Went In To Wake Up Her Son. "Wake Up, Son. It's Time To Go To School!"
"But Why Mom? I Don't Want To Go."
"Give Me Two Reasons Why You Don't Want To Go."
"Well, The Kids Hate Me For One, And The Teachers Hate Me, Too!"
"Oh, That's No Reason Not To Go To School. Come On Now And Get Ready."
"Give Me Two Reasons Why I Should Go To School."
"Well, For One, You're 52 Years Old. And For Another, You're The Principal!"
Old Seamus Flattery is upstairs dying and the neighbor women are downstairs with Seamus` wife cooking for the wake. The neighborhood men are out in the back passing a pint and the irish priest is coming every three hours to say the rosary. But old Seamus comes out of his coma and calls weakly for his wife: "Johanna, Johanna. .. " Downstairs one of the ladies hears him and says to Johanna: "It`s himself, he`s calling for you." So, Johanna climbs upstairs quickly and comes in the room. Johanna: "Oh Seamus me darling what it is?" Seamus: "Is that a ham I smell cooking down there?" Johanna: "Oh aye it tis indeed - a fine big ham." Seamus: "And did you put the cloves to it and cover it with mustard?" Johanna: "Oh aye, its just the way you like it." Seamus: "And would you be after cutting me a small piece?" Johanna: "Oh Seamus you always was such a joker - we`re saving the ham for your wake!"
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video more...