Wake Jokes / Recent Jokes

The sermon
The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the shames to come over.
The Rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up."
The shames replied, "You put him to sleep. You wake him up.”

To My Dearest Wife, During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often: We will wake the kids - 54 times It's too late - 15 times I'm too tired - 42 times It's too early - 12 times It's too hot - 18 times Pretending to be asleep - 31 times The neighbors will hear - 9 times Headache or backache - 26 times Sunburn - 10 times Your mother will hear us - 9 times Not in the mood - 21 times Watching the late show - 17 times Too sore - 26 times New hairdo - 6 times Wrong time of the month - 14 times You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid more...

One morning a mother went in to wake her son up. "Come on son, wake up. It's time to go to school," she told him.
"But Mom, I don't want to go to school," was his reply.
"Well, give me two good reasons why not!" she said.
"First of all, the kids hate me and the teachers hate me too," he groaned.
"That's no reason to not want to go. Now get up and get ready!" his mother demanded.
"You give me two good reasons why I should go Mom," her son said.
"For one, you happen to be 52 years old. For another, you also happen to be the Principal!"

You might be a redneck if...

A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"

You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning a deer!"

You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.

You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".

You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
“Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I’m very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear? ”
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
“Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn’t, so I want my money back! ”
While the more...

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has. He says to the short man, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what a large penis you have." The short man replies, "I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes." The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. "OK, "He says, "I want to live in a mansion." The short man replies, "Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it." The man says, "Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend." "OK, "the short man replies, "Tomorrow you will wake up next to her." The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues." I want a penis as large as yours." "Alright, but there is one catch, the short man replies. "What's that, the man asks?" "I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man more...

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the more...