Way Jokes / Recent Jokes

A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you.......... mess it up. Better be safe than...................... punch a 5th grader. Strike while the. ............................. bug is close. It's always darkest before............ daylight savings time. You can lead a horse to water but....................... how? Don't bite the hand that........................ looks dirty. A miss is as good as a................................... Mr. You can't teach an old dog new......................... math. If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.. stink in the morning. The pen is mightier than the........................... pigs. An idle mind is....................... the best way to relax. Where there's smoke, there's...................... pollution. Happy the bride who................... gets all the presents. A penny saved more...

Douglas Adams:' There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.'

Albert Einstein:' Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.'

Unknown:' Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.'

Edward P. Tryon:' In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.'

Max Frisch:' Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.'

Kilgore Trout:' The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.'

Woody Allen:' I'm astounded by more...

At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her husband, "when I get my way, that's a compromise." "What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask. She replied, "That's a miracle!"

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir". "Oh, really? Why did you leave more...

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guiness
and sat in the back o fthe room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replied,
"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in
Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised
that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender agreed that it was a nice custom and left it at that.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way:
He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, the Irishman came in and ordered two pints. All the other
regulars noticed and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the
second round, the more...

A woman was walking down the street when a man approached her. The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will have my way with you from behind and be on my way.
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend, a girl, on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back."What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said "That Son-Of-A-Bi#ch had $500 in 20 cent pieces.!"

1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. Speeding ticket? What's that?
8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10. If you have sex with someone and don't call him the next day, you're not the devil.
11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud.
13. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
14. You can sleep your way to the top.
15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17. It's possible to live your whole more...