Ways Jokes / Recent Jokes

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. more...

One warm day, Mulla Nasruddin was taking it easy in the shade of a walnut tree. After a time, he started eyeing speculatively, the huge pumpkins rising on vines and the small walnuts growing on a majestic tree.

Sometimes I just can't understand the ways of God! He mused. Just fancy letting tiny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins on the delicate vines!

Just then a walnut snapped off and cut down smack on Mulla Nasruddin's hairless head. He got up at once and lifting up his hands and face to heavens in supplication, said:

Oh, my God! Forgive my inquiring your ways! You are all-wise. Where would I have been now, if pumpkins grew on trees!

100 Ways to annoy the pizza guy
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of more...

IF MEN WROTE THE RULES
1.Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2.If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3.If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
4.It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5.Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6.Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
7.You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
8.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
9.Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
10.Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs more...

The Rules Guys Wished Girls Knew...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying more...