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Rules for Women

Men's Rules for Women
1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
3) Saturday = sports.
4) Crying is blackmail.
5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
6) We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently.
7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
9) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
10) Check your oil.
11) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
12) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.
13) If more...

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The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash

The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash

16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait.

15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you.

14> The' Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts' from worthless stock certificates.

13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.

12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait.

11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police.

10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner

9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics.

8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his stocks tanked.

7> Hold a' Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez' more...

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Biblical Ways of Getting a Wife

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 2115. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies more...

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Two farmlads and a blonde

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it
breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farm house.
She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him "Oh, it's Sunday night and
my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "You can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in their early
20's. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room
next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of more...

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~ Things Men Wish Women Knew ~

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down; or preferably, put it back up when finished.

3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = Sports.

5. Anything you wear is fine, really.

6. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

7. You have too many shoes & plenty of clothes.

8. Crying is not the answer. Crying is blackmail.

9. We're not mind-readers. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

10. Mark anniversaries & birthdays on a calendar.

11. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult that peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

12. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a more...

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Airline Anecdotes

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.""There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane...""Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.""We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.""Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign more...

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