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Top ten ways that you know you are suffering from "job burnout"

10. You're so tired; you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.
7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind; you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will go off before the alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

11. Speak in a weird language. When they say they don't understand you say "Me no speak English"10. Keep cutting someone off. When they yell at you say "they made me do it!"9. Pick a car out and follow it. When the driver looks at you say "Hey wait a minute. You're not Dad!"8. If someone flicks you off look inside your car and yell back "You're right. It IS 1 o'clock.7. Whenever a car trys to pass you yell "Oh, it's on," and pass them back.6. Whenever you see someone speed, go "WHHHHOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOOO" like a siren and follow them. 5. When someone asks for directions, point both ways. 4. When someone yells an obscenity at you say "Is that you, Russell Jones? Cause if it is, i'm telling yo momma! 3. Ask other drivers if were over the border yet. Signify that you want them to say yes.2. Two Words: Egg Salad1. My Personal Favorite: Whenever one of those guys playing really loud rap is next to you at a traffic light, roll down more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing more...

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...
10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
3. You're counting down the days until menopause.
2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
7. Crying is blackmail.
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in more...