Whenever Jokes / Recent Jokes

School Friends
Four old school friends were having coffee.
The first, a Catholic woman, says, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’."
The second Catholic woman then says, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him `Your Grace`."
The third Catholic says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he`s called `Your Eminence`."
The fourth woman, a Jewish lady, just sat there and sipped her coffee in silence. So the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6` 6", has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, terribly handsome, dresses very well, tight muscular body, tight hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, `Oh, my God...`."

Al Gore was entertaining Joe Leiberman and decided to show off his new home. Upon entering the bedroom, Joe noticed a very large wooden box with 5 empty beer cans and about $1500. 00 in cash.
Out of curiosity, Joe asked "AL, I see you're a beer drinker, I am too! you see, we DO have something in common"
With a condescending voice, Al quipped, " yes, of course we do Joe"
Joe then asked " Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash"
Al gladly told Joe about his new program. " Joe, since last month, I have decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer and put the can in this box"
"That's really impressive", Joe replied, "only 5 beer cans in a whole month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from"?
Without missing a beat, Al responded, "Whenever the box gets full of beer cans, I more...

There were 3 men who wanted to buy toilets. So they went to the nearest store and were looking at the new designs of the toilets.
The first guy asks for a toilet that would go nice in his log cabin out in the woods. So the salesman gives him a toilet made of wood.
The second guy asks for a toilet that would be nice for an igloo. So the salesman givse him a toilet made of ice.
The third guy asked for the nicest toilet they have that would go in the National History of Canada Museums employee restroom. So the salesman gives him a singing toilet with a picture of the Canadian flag on the tank.
Well they all get what they ask for.
The next day all 3 men come back with their toilets.
The first man says, "This toilet sucks. Whenever I try to use it I get pieces of wood stuck in my butt."
The second man says, "This toilet sucks. Whenever I try to use it my butt gets frozen to the seat and I have to use a hairdryer to get my butt off."
The more...

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was
Mypenis:
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a
leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis is my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get more...

One good way to reduce alcohol consumption:

Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,

After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds.
MS-AAA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even call.
Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.
Sure, you *own* the car -- but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to drive it.
Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself.
"Crowby," the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the radio station.
It doesn't matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free Linux cars always look down on you.
It's a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.
Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.
Whenever you leave your driveway, the little paperclip guy jumps out of the glove box and says, "It looks like you're going to work! Can I help?"
You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.
After putting it in park, it shakes more...

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of here and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1875. 55 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under the bed. However. today the temptation was too much and i give in. But now i need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, " I am very disappointed and more...