Whenever Jokes / Recent Jokes
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say,' What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say,' Yes, it was.' The men would ask,' You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say,' Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
This guy has problems so he goes to a counselor. The counselor askes "What's wrong?" And the man replies,"God is my friend. Whenever I get up to got to the bathroom he turns the light on, And whenever I go back to bed he turns the light off." The counselor found this very suspicious so he went to the guy's wife and tells her what he said. And his wife replied, "That idiot, he won't stop peeing in the refriderator.
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever more...
A farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who insisted on a tour of the place after she arrived. When they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stationed himself at the casket and greeted friends and family as they walked by. The pastor noticed that, whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head, "Yes". Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No".
The pastor noticed this happened without fail, "Yes" to women, "No" to men. He asked the farmer after the service what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it is'. The men would ask, 'Want to sell that mule?', and I would shake my head and say, 'Not on your life'."
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was.
She is a very clever old lady. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part but, whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her to stop it but she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening.
If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent. But, no! Every once in a while I do find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go the ATM and draw one hundred dollars and a few more...
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from more...
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she more...