Whenever Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mama Skunk had two children named In and Out.
The two were always on the go, but rarely in one place at the same time. Whenever In was in, Out was out. Whenever In was out, Out was in.
One day at dinner time, Out was home, but In was no where to be seen. Mama Skunk sent Out out to bring In in for dinner. Out quickly returned with In and Mama was amazed.
"However did you find In so quickly in all the vast forest?" asked Mama.
"Easy," said Out. "Instinct!"
FARMER'S MULE
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately
demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be
friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly,
non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every
opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life
unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through
the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law
in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days
later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the
farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked
by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and
mumble a reply. Very curious as more...
1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication:
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC
6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.
7. Let us be generous like this: Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says: we more...
Everything I Needed to Know About Computers I Learned in the Movies
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
All monitors and hand-held devices display 2-inch-high letters whenever you
need to see what the operator is typing.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such
governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells
that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing
"ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they
do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and more...
Al Gore's New Program...
Al Gore was entertaining Joe Leiberman and decided to show off his new home. Upon entering the bedroom, Joe noticed a very large wooden box with 5 empty beer cans and about $1500.00 in cash.
Out of curiosity, Joe asked ''AL, I see you're a beer drinker, I am too! you see, we DO have something in common''
With a condescending voice, Al quipped, '' yes, of course we do Joe''
Joe then asked '' Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash''
Al gladly told Joe about his new program. '' Joe, since last month, I have decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer and put the can in this box''
''That's really impressive'', Joe replied, ''only 5 beer cans in a whole month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from''?
Without missing a beat, Al responded, ''Whenever the box gets full of beer cans, I take it down to the recycling more...
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Muncie, Indiana, for $200. 00. They bought the cow from Indiana and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the more...