Whenever Jokes / Recent Jokes

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's more...

Little Johnny's parents were having a party at their house. One of the guests was observing Little Johnny, who would hold his chest whenever he bent down.
After a few minutes, the woman asked Little Johnny, "Why do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?"
Little Johnny said, "It is to keep my lungs from falling out. One day my teacher was writing on the board, and the chalk fell down. When she bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs come right out of her chest!"

(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the NationText from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum. 10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my more...

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he more...

11. Speak in a weird language. When they say they don't understand you say "Me no speak English"10. Keep cutting someone off. When they yell at you say "they made me do it!"9. Pick a car out and follow it. When the driver looks at you say "Hey wait a minute. You're not Dad!"8. If someone flicks you off look inside your car and yell back "You're right. It IS 1 o'clock.7. Whenever a car trys to pass you yell "Oh, it's on," and pass them back.6. Whenever you see someone speed, go "WHHHHOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOOO" like a siren and follow them. 5. When someone asks for directions, point both ways. 4. When someone yells an obscenity at you say "Is that you, Russell Jones? Cause if it is, i'm telling yo momma! 3. Ask other drivers if were over the border yet. Signify that you want them to say yes.2. Two Words: Egg Salad1. My Personal Favorite: Whenever one of those guys playing really loud rap is next to you at a traffic light, roll down more...